Sunday, August 22, 2010

America, I wanna high speed rail you

The federal government has spread $8 billion in stimulus funds over 31 states to develop a high-speed rail service.

I have a message for these states: Don't wait around and let this money slip through the cracks. Use it now. Build a high speed rail network. Now.

There is absolutely no downside to putting together a high speed rail network in this country. Urban congestion is horrible now, and will only get worse in years to come. High speed rail would eliminate not only traffic but need for oil, which will drive gas prices down and reduce the now infamous "dependency on foreign oil." (crash of lightning outside window). It would also provide not thousands but millions of jobs in an economy that is desperate for them.

Now I'm sure the Republicans in congress and these states will do anything possible to delay these projects and keep their corporate oil interests afloat. This is something the president needs to shove through, needs to ram down everyone's throats, both Democrat and Republican. This project, like the national parks project and the Tennessee Valley Authority, isn't about appeasing a political base or making the administration look good. This project is about rebuilding the country.

Plus, I have no doubt that whatever high speed rail lines Americans come up with will be a thousand times better than any of the existing lines built by those pansy-ass Europeans. Right? I mean, just look at our cars--

Oh shit.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Lesson of the day: Don' f**k with the police

To anybody who thinks cops are just out there handing people slips of paper and eating donuts, this video should set you straight:

Officer: 1, dumbass bitch: 0
I have some advice for the general public on this one: DON'T FUCK WITH COPS. 

There is absolutely no positive outcome when you fuck with a cop. Nothing good can come from it. It doesn't matter if they're stopping you for jaywalking or they've caught you dumping a body in a ditch--you just do whatever the fuck they say, or you will get hurt. It doesn't matter if you're a man, woman, old, young, black, white, green, or orange. Cops win. Every time.

Oh, and don't you just love Mr. Chivalrous camera man scolding the officer? "Look at me I'm filming this! I'm a hero! I'm a man's man standing up for the women!" Just another guy who has 0 understanding of law enforcement. People just don't seem to understand that police officers ARE NOT THERE TO BE YOUR FUCKING FRIEND. They're there to protect you and protect themselves. You assault an officer, you get assaulted. They don't play games. In fact, these women are lucky the officer didn't draw his gun.

In case it wasn't clear, I stand by the officer on this one. It is not police brutality when dumb fucking people can't respect their authority. Also, this is basically the only time it is ever okay to punch a woman right in the face.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Organized religion has so much to offer

You know, I realized lately that I spend WAY too much time bashing Christianity on this blog. That's not to say it doesn't deserve to be bashed, because as long as the Pope has his boy-ogling army of pedophile priests on the loose, the Kingdom Hall in my town still stands, and the state of Georgia still exists, there's more than enough reasons to hate on America's number one mind-controlling device.

But, I don't like to be unfair. I'd like to direct my malicious discontent with organized religion to other parts of the world, such as selected countries in the Middle East and Africa. Some, but not all Muslim countries in those regions practice female genital mutilation (FGM) as a cultural rite. A recent CNN article highlighted the practice of FGM in America. Yes, it goes on here. I didn't know that, either.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Punkass teen gets what he deserves

You know what I hate? Fucking high school kids. Bunch of loudmouth, smartass punk douches who think they're the biggest shit ever taken, and do dumb shit things like run on the field at baseball games, hoping everyone at their school will think they're some kind of rebel.

You know who else I hate? Fucking psychologists. "Ooooh noo it's a cry for attention! He needs his parents to tell him he's good at something." Fuck that. He's just a punkass high school kid who needs a taserin'.

And, for the first time in MLB history, he got himself a good a taserin'.

You know who I don't hate? Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey, who said this about the officer who gave that punkass 17-year-old exactly what he deserved:

"It was inappropriate for him to be out there on the field," Ramsey said. "Unless I read something to the contrary, that officer acted appropriately. I support him 100 percent."

Thank you, Mr. Ramsey, for making sense.

Fuck you, high school kids. You're not special, no matter how many crappy guidance counselors told you that. When you go to a baseball game, sit there, watch the game, cheer, and be like EVERYBODY FUCKING ELSE.

Oh, and get fucked.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Thanks a lot, Arizona

Thanks a lot, Arizona. Your legalization of racial profiling is teasing the other racist assholes of the South out of the woodwork.

Now we have Tim James, a Republican candidate for Alabama governor, making cheesy campaign ads in which he tells people they can't get a driver's license unless they speak English. In the video, he says Alabama currently gives license exams in 12 different languages. 12! How DARE we be so accommodating to people!

Here's the ad in its entirety:

What a douche. "Look how much I pause to think between my statements! I'm THAT sincere!"

Oh, and I just read that in 2000 there were 108,000 people in Alabama who spoke another language besides English in the home. That number has probably grown exponentially in the last decade.

I guess Tim James doesn't want the 150,000 extra votes. I guess Tim James is a giant, corroded asshole.

Thanks again, Jan Brewer, you wrinkly, sun-dried cunt of a Governor, for reigniting the fires of the loudmouth wingnuts who continue to assert that immigrants aren't people.

American politics makes less and less sense each day.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A happy anniversary to the Empire

The Empire Strikes Back, my favorite Star Wars film, turned 30 today.

Happy Anniversary to one of the 6 films that made my childhood (and, indeed, early adulthood) spectacular. I also loved CNN's headline on its homepage: "How did Boba Fett change your life?" It linked to a columnist expressing his Fett-fandom. And let's just be honest, Boba Fett is the fucking shit: Flamethrower, jet pack, missile launcher, stripped nerve endings, the best looking armor I've ever seen anyone wear and plus he killed the motherfucking Sarlaac (or one of its main feeding points I guess).

Fun fact: Fett had only 29 lines in the entire 6-film saga.

He didn't need more than that to become a fan favorite. Even George Lucas has said he had no idea the Fettnomenon was coming--you know, because he tried to KILL HIM THE FUCK OFF. I forgive you though, George Lucas.

Anyway, I leave you with this Star Wars parody (with scenes from ESB in it) from Robot Chicken. Enjoy.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Hey, ugly chicks, put your boobs away

Thanks again, Islamic extremists.

That wouldn't be a sarcastic remark if their scolding of the promiscuous dressing of Western women caused actual attractive women to wear tight tops that show cleavage. But alas, all they've done is stuck an electric prod into the cattle pen of fat, ugly and sometimes old white chicks, causing them to show everybody their unmentionables on the internet as if they were desired by somebody somewhere. Watching the interviews with these women, they also seem to believe they're making some kind of political statement:

"Yeah! Take THAT Islamic extremism! See these freckled warthogs? In YOUR FACE! We can dress ANY WAY WE WANT AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!"

And thus describes a major problem in American society--fat and ugly people dressing as if they're Mr. or Ms. America.

Personally, I side with the Islamic extremists on this one. Put a sweatshirt on, Broom Hilda. You're not making any kind of statement. Nobody cares if your boobs can shake, because your face looks like a disfigured fetus all grown up.