A Shortage of Chairs

America, I wanna high speed rail you

2010-08-22T09:40:00.000-05:00

The federal government has spread $8 billion in stimulus funds over 31 states to develop a high-speed rail service. I have a message for these states: Don't wait around and let this money slip through the cracks. Use it now. Build a high speed rail network. Now. There is absolutely no downside to putting together a high speed rail network in this country. Urban congestion is horrible now, and

Lesson of the day: Don' f**k with the police

2010-06-15T12:20:00.000-05:00

To anybody who thinks cops are just out there handing people slips of paper and eating donuts, this video should set you straight: Officer: 1, dumbass bitch: 0 I have some advice for the general public on this one: DON'T FUCK WITH COPS. There is absolutely no positive outcome when you fuck with a cop. Nothing good can come from it. It doesn't matter if they're stopping you for jaywalking or

Organized religion has so much to offer

2010-05-23T13:56:00.001-05:00

You know, I realized lately that I spend WAY too much time bashing Christianity on this blog. That's not to say it doesn't deserve to be bashed, because as long as the Pope has his boy-ogling army of pedophile priests on the loose, the Kingdom Hall in my town still stands, and the state of Georgia still exists, there's more than enough reasons to hate on America's number one mind-controlling

Punkass teen gets what he deserves

2010-05-04T12:36:00.002-05:00

You know what I hate? Fucking high school kids. Bunch of loudmouth, smartass punk douches who think they're the biggest shit ever taken, and do dumb shit things like run on the field at baseball games, hoping everyone at their school will think they're some kind of rebel. You know who else I hate? Fucking psychologists. "Ooooh noo it's a cry for attention! He needs his parents to tell him he's

Thanks a lot, Arizona

2010-05-01T16:04:00.007-05:00

Thanks a lot, Arizona. Your legalization of racial profiling is teasing the other racist assholes of the South out of the woodwork. Now we have Tim James, a Republican candidate for Alabama governor, making cheesy campaign ads in which he tells people they can't get a driver's license unless they speak English. In the video, he says Alabama currently gives license exams in 12 different languages

A happy anniversary to the Empire

2010-04-28T09:22:00.000-05:00

The Empire Strikes Back, my favorite Star Wars film, turned 30 today. Happy Anniversary to one of the 6 films that made my childhood (and, indeed, early adulthood) spectacular. I also loved CNN's headline on its homepage: "How did Boba Fett change your life?" It linked to a columnist expressing his Fett-fandom. And let's just be honest, Boba Fett is the fucking shit: Flamethrower, jet pack,

Hey, ugly chicks, put your boobs away

2010-04-27T11:02:00.001-05:00

Thanks again, Islamic extremists. That wouldn't be a sarcastic remark if their scolding of the promiscuous dressing of Western women caused actual attractive women to wear tight tops that show cleavage. But alas, all they've done is stuck an electric prod into the cattle pen of fat, ugly and sometimes old white chicks, causing them to show everybody their unmentionables on the internet as if

Alabama and Mississippi = two sh*tholes, different smells

2010-04-26T17:23:00.006-05:00

Let's not kid ourselves, here. When I think of the 2,000 and some odd-mile genetic, mental and literal landfill that is the American South, 4 states really come to my mind: Georgia (which I've written plenty about), Texas (not even worth writing about most of the time), Alabama and Mississippi. What do all of these states have in common? They're all either run by fuckbag politicians or their

50 days until the World Cup

2010-04-21T08:54:00.002-05:00

Only 50 days left until the only sporting event held every 4 years that I actually give a shit about--the World Cup.But I'll be honest. Until the summer of 2006, I had absolutely no interest in soccer.Then, that summer, from its home country amidst its own fans, I watched the French national soccer team's run to the World Cup final.What's that?Well no shit, OF COURSE I was drunk, but I watched

Remember when I used to write here?

2010-04-20T23:30:00.004-05:00

Man, remember when I used to write for this site? Remember the cynical liberal insight, the ranting? The shameless plugging?Good times.Well, it's only been a month, so, shut the fuck up. In the time frame that I've been absent from the blogosphere:-A Supreme Court justice resigned (bringing the average age of the court down to 83)-The Cardinals got off to a fast 9-4 start in the MLB season (

The Best 5 minutes of television you'll ever watch

2010-02-10T15:15:00.003-06:00

Forget the blogosphere, forget the editorials, forget the pundit commentary and the commenting punditry and the partisan network specials: This 5 minute clip from the Colbert Report sums up everything that is wrong with noted conservative figureheads Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin. Gotta love that Palin. She really never misses an opportunity to show off her omnipresent and ever-growing intellect

The most bada** Super Bowl intro of all time

2010-02-10T00:07:00.004-06:00

Sorry, The Who, but you can't pull off "old" like The Boss.But lucky for you, CBS saved your horrid performance from being eternal scars on the minds of 106 million people by mixing one of the most badass intro scenes I have ever seen.For anything.Ever.You can try and watch this and not get chills, but it won't happen. Jay-Z, Rihanna, Breesus, PeyPey, piano dude, a gracious absence of Charlie

Super Bowl Week Showdown #1: Marvel's Venom vs. Midway's Scorpion

2010-02-04T12:16:00.000-06:00

In honor of the Super Bowl, mankind's penultimate annual duel of strength vs. strength, I will spend the latter half of this week presenting for review other titanic match-ups from across the pop-culture spectrum--characters from movies, comic books, video games, and television.Today's bout of burlies features a comic book supervillain and a man so evil, hell itself spat him back out (no, not

Fun with Tom Jackson

2010-01-26T20:25:00.005-06:00

"That's the thing about Brett Favre; he's not afraid to throw an interception. That's one of the things I most admire about him."-Actual quote from a guy who I never though could say something so incredibly stupid, ESPN analyst and former NFL linebacker Tom Jackson.Oh, the possibilities:"That's the thing about Osama Bin Laden. He's not afraid to commission several minions to hijack and ram two

Definitive proof that Jim Rome is a moron

2010-01-26T20:07:00.003-06:00

Until today, I thought Jim Rome was more or less just as dumb and loud as any other talking head in the world of sports broadcasting.But then he said this on his show yesterday:"(Brett Favre) just happened to make one of the worst decisions of his career at the worst possible time, a decision that most of us naively thought he was beyond."Really, Jim? You really haven't watch Brett Favre play a

Upon further review, there may in fact be some kind of god-like god out there

2010-01-25T00:44:00.005-06:00

Well, I know I haven't posted on here in over a month, but I think it's time to splash on a little...Ahhh...the sweet aroma of my favorite flower: the Itoldyaso. Comes in many colors: purple and gold, green and white, green and gold...Been sayin' it all year, folks.Brett Favre is like a hobo drifter: when you picked him up, it seemed like a good idea, but about three miles down the road...HE

Incognito wasting no time with Bills; flagged twice in first game

2009-12-22T12:10:00.006-06:00

The newest Buffalo Bill is already making his mark, both in penalty yards and unbelievably dumb remarks.Richie Incognito, who signed with the team last week after he was cut by the Rams for being a dicksmack, had some things to say to his previous team after a solid 2-penalty outing for the Bills Sunday:"...after his first game with the Buffalo Bills, Incognito thought of some negative things to

My (second) favorite YouTube video of all time

2009-12-16T21:12:00.002-06:00

PETA can still go f**k themselves

2009-12-13T20:24:00.008-06:00

Okay, I know this observation may be a little old, but while watching the Eagles' Michael Vick on Sunday Night Football, I wondered just how disappointed--and possibly, as is their nature about these things, militant--the animal rights group PETA got upon his signing.As it turns out, not really that much. They even offered him a job as a PSA for the group.However, when we was signed by the Eagles

5:00 left in 4th quarter

2009-12-13T17:55:00.003-06:00

Jesus fucking Christ, can this team cook dinner without committing a penalty?Amendola returned the kickoff for 13 MEASLY FUCKING YARDS in a play that lasted MAYBE 2 SECONDS, and the Rams blocked somebody in the back.

9:32-7:31 left in 4th quarter

2009-12-13T17:34:00.006-06:00

Titans WR Nate Washington makes an incredible diving catch along the sideline, taking the ball inside the Rams' 10-yard line.Rams coach Steve Spagnoulo challenged the play, but it was upheld. No argument here; upon looking at the replay, Washington made probably the most spectacular catch of the day.Following that play, the Titans pulled a Bill Belichick and went for it on 4th-and-goal from the 1

3rd quarter notes

2009-12-13T17:16:00.002-06:00

-Keith Null made a rookie mistake and lasered a pass right into Keith Bulluck's hands (Bulluck's second interception of the day).-Chris Johnson scored his 3rd TD of the day. Titans now lead 33-0.

Ten Things I Learned About the NFL: Week 13

2009-12-06T19:06:00.013-06:00

HOLY JOINT-ROLLING CHRIST, WHAT A GAME between the 'Skins and Saints.HOW DID THE REDSKINS LOSE??WHY CAN'T ANYONE ACCOUNT FOR THE DEEP COMEBACK??1) HOW DOES SHIT LIKE THIS HAPPEN?I don't know the answers to such bewildering questions. But I do know that Shaun Suisham should commit Suishide.The Saints-'Skins shenanigans obscured the craziest upset of the week--Oakland shoving it in Pittsburgh's

Better Know a World Leader: Dr. Karolos Papoulias (Greece)

2009-12-05T13:56:00.002-06:00

In a most ineffective and petty effort to stem the rising tide of unbelievable American ignorance, I am publishing a 7-part series on random world leaders.Today, we turn to Greece, the #1 pimple-importer in the world, to profile its current president, Dr. Karolos Papoulias.And if you don't know where Greece is, go back to high school. And if you're in high school, go back to middle school. And if

Holy buttf**king Jesus-Sh*tting Goose, HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!

2009-11-28T15:36:00.004-06:00

Oh, what's this? A 6-foot brick wall? Let me just jump over it ON MY FUCKING BIKE!Hmm, I see you have a rod-iron fence there. Mind if I ride across the tops of all those un-connected poles on my two-wheeled Jesus emulator?God help the police if they ever try chasing this guy.

Better Know a World Leader: Ismail Omar Guelleh (Djibouti)

2009-11-25T16:13:00.003-06:00

In a most ineffective and petty effort to stem the rising tide of unbelievable American ignorance, I am publishing a 7-part series on random world leaders.Today it's Ismail Omar Guelleh, the president of Djibouti, a small country on the Red Sea coast in northeastern Africa. Djibouti is located here:Member of the United Nations since September of 1977, Djibouti has a population of just 721,000,

Better Know a World Leader: Hamad ibn Isa Al Khalifah (Bahrain)

2009-11-23T15:55:00.003-06:00

In a most ineffective and petty effort to stem the rising tide of unbelievable American ignorance, I am publishing a 7-part series on random world leaders.Today, we turn to the Arabian isle of Bahrain and its current king, Hamad ibn Isa Al Khalifah.Bahrain is located here:After attending the Leys School in Cambridge, England and several military colleges in the U.S. and U.K., Al Khalifah became

Ten Things I Learned About the NFL: Week 11

2009-11-22T23:35:00.003-06:00

Holy suitcases full of shitty Jay Cutler throws, there was a lot on Week 11's plate today. Seems like every GOOD team did its best impression of its awful opponent, while the Browns have a fat fuck-up of a coach and the Bears quarterback is probably solemnly leaning his head against a locker in an empty changing room, with nothing on but a towel and earbuds, sulking to the miserable sounds of

Random Google Search Post of the Day

2009-11-16T09:34:00.003-06:00

Based on suggestions from my friends and cowhorets-er, cohorts--I am starting a however-many-until-it's not-funny-anymore-part series of commentary on random web discoveries.Today's suggestion was "dog bob 41," which I thought would yield completely LAME results.And it did.Here's the 41st result for "dog bob":Some desperate, down-on-his-luck software producer who claims to have played in a band

Ten Things I Learned About the NFL: Week 10

2009-11-15T18:01:00.013-06:00

If you didn't notice (and you probably didn't), there was no Ten Things post last week. This was due to a couple reasons:1) I was driving all day and didn't feel like writing.2) Nothing really meaningful happened in the NFL, besides Carolina fumbling their hopes and dreams away against the Saints.Anyway, I'm back this week. And we have much to discuss. So let's begin.1) I know I've said it before

Tea Party leader to burn Nancy Pelosi in effigy at rally

2009-11-14T21:28:00.004-06:00

You know, I haven't written a lot about the uselessness and stupidity of conservatism for quite some time on here, and there are a couple reasons for that. One, it's football season. Two, I've been trying to ignore conservative bullshit like what these "tea-baggers" (teehee) are doing lately, but this one I just could absolutely not ignore:The organizer of a "Tea Party" protest in Virginia says

Random Google Search Post of the Day

2009-11-14T12:42:00.008-06:00

Based on suggestions from my friends and cowhorets-er, cohorts--I am starting a however-many-until-it's not-funny-anymore-part series of commentary on random web discoveries.Now, it's time to reach deep into that smelly sack of crap called internet search results and see what we get for the 78th result of "squirrel mike":The Squirrel Band!Apparently, this band of Squirrels is a cover group out of

Stumbleupon thinks I need to clean up my act

2009-11-10T20:42:00.005-06:00

I recently "discovered" my blog in the random web search program StumbleUpon, in hopes that more people will, well, stumble upon my dark, depraved corner of the web. The program, upon instantly scanning the content of this blog, labeled it "porn."To this, I have but one thing to say.THANK. YOU.Because, we all know that what everybody loves more than regular porn is internet porn. And the fact

Random Google Search Post of the Day

2009-11-10T16:22:00.006-06:00

Based on suggestions from my friends and cowhorets-er, cohorts--I am starting a however-many-until-it's not-funny-anymore-part series of commentary on random web discoveries.Nobody making the suggestions had any idea what they would be used for, so I'm hoping it will add to the humor of this web-umentary.But I'm probably wrong and this will turn out as dull, listless and pathetically inept as a

There's no such thing as a stupid question...

2009-10-26T13:55:00.004-05:00

Except this one, which, aside from being the absolute dumbest, most outrageously inept question I've ever read, gets filed under the "insult to all human intellectual achievement" category:Now, in all seriousness, this could have been a joke. Part of me wants to deny the seriousness of this question, but then, based on my experience of the population of southern Illinois and knowing full well

Ten Things I Learned About the NFL: Week 7

2009-10-25T18:00:00.010-05:00

Well, if you were wondering just how abysmally fucking terrible the entire league is on Sunday, all the pieces were in place:The Pats, Colts, Packers, Jets and Chargers--all great offensive teams--played the Bucs, Rams, Browns, Raiders and Chiefs--all godawful sinbaskets of teams.The result? Not only did all of those teams get shoved gung-ho into the woodchipper, but 3 other teams got

Ten Things I Learned About the NFL: Week 6

2009-10-18T16:22:00.008-05:00

FINALLY some fucking FOOTBALL up in this mother fucker. This week, starting with Monday night in Miami, had some of the best games all year. Still, they pale in comparison with some of last year's finishes. But things finally got back to normal, with two OT games, a couple upsets and...wait...what's that?I think I hear the sweet, sweet sound of a Volvo being rag-dolled through a trailer park!

Cereal for breakfast? Psh, not here.

2009-10-17T14:38:00.003-05:00

Yeah, that's eggs, bacon, hash browns and ham, made painstakingly by yours truly.Ramen? We don't need no stinkin' Ramen.

Ten Things I Learned About the NFL: Week 5

2009-10-12T14:13:00.010-05:00

I'd like to donate the first paragraph of this week's edition to that son of a bitch in my 10 AM Spanish class, who apparently thinks it's A-Okay to spout off his radical anti-abortion views en español. Is it too much to ask you to leave your simpleton, 11th-century crusader nonsense at the door? Could you please climb down from your vaunted steed of breathtaking idiocy for 50 minutes? Could you

Ten Things I Learned About the NFL: Week 4

2009-10-04T18:53:00.004-05:00

Jesus Christ, EVERYONE got their asses handed to them this week. 8 losing teams got outscored 272-83, and as I write this San Diego is in the process of getting gang-banged by Pittsburgh. Contributing to that in a big fashion was the St. Louis Rams, or should I say, the worst fucking thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah, I should say that.1) FUCK my life. That's number 1.2) Lions played

Ten Things I Learned About the NFL: Week 3

2009-09-28T15:21:00.002-05:00

Man, week 3. FUCK week 3. I barely got a chance to watch any of it because I was driving the entire back half of the day. From what I did see, though, it looks like the only thing I missed was Brett Favre's hail mary, after which every ESPN analyst creamed his pants. And I think that's where I'll start today:Can I just say something, in direct response to something like this?1) FUCK YOU, Brett

Georgia finally gets its comuppins

2009-09-22T12:29:00.003-05:00

Were you there the day God tried to tell everyone who worships him in Georgia that they're insane imbeciles who deserve to be washed away in the tides of judgment?I wasn't. But I laughed anyway.FUCK YOU, Georgia!

Ten Things I Learned About the NFL: Week 2

2009-09-20T20:07:00.011-05:00

And now it's time for the only thing I'll write all week that won't make me want to quit school.Couple of surprises this week, from the Packer/Jeff Reed egg-laying fiascoes to Dirty Sanchez's lambasting of the Gaytriots, but all-in-all it was pretty pedestrian Week 2..1) Frank Gore ran through the Shehawks and my fantasy hopes faster like a fat chick running through a sack of Arby's roast beef

One crazy anti-abortion psychopath down, 150 million to go

2009-09-11T18:22:00.004-05:00

The man of the week this week is without a doubt Harlan James Drake, the man who gunned down a 63-year-old member of "Operation Save America," an anti-abortion group that is absolutely stone cold fucking nuts. Don't believe me? Direct quote from their website:"Barack Obama is a sign and judgment from God that our nation has turned its back upon Him and chosen other gods – gods that neither we nor

Drop dead, lady who brings her child to class every day

2009-09-03T17:14:00.003-05:00

Despite common perception--and every other posting on this blog--I am, in reality, a fairly understanding person. I make it a point not to judge people who have perhaps fallen into less than desirable family situations (i.e teenage pregancy, people who are unable to afford child care, etc). But when one of said people showcases a total lack of respect for those around them by bringing their tiny

And this decade's winner for "City with the Most Illegitimate Sports Titles" is...Boston, MA!

2009-07-31T21:12:00.007-05:00

The city of Boston, Massachusetts can be called many a wonderful nickname--the birthplace of the American Revolution, the cradle of colonial capitalism, the starter stage for the electric rock band Boston--with such an illustrious history, it's tempting to overlook that gleaming port on the Atlantic for what it really is:"A wretched hive of scum and villainy."The scum? Pats and Red Sox fans.The

Still think the South DOESN'T deserve to be burned en masse? Think again!

2009-07-17T19:21:00.003-05:00

I have a lot of fun on this site picking on my favorite ass-backward Southern state, Georgia. But you know, why focus all of my deep, seething hatred on Georgia? After all, sharing is caring. And I carry an overflowing haversack of absolute, 100% genuine, black-hearted contempt for the Southern United States; enough to go the 'round. Take this link I found today on CNN:http://www.cnn.com/video/#/

Nice job, but next time-- could you fall off the balcony instead?

2009-07-17T18:52:00.002-05:00

His Holiness took a little tumble the other day:http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090717/ap_on_re_eu/eu_italy_popeNot bad Benny, but next time, could you do us all a favor and fall about 50 feet higher? Things I'd like to push the Pope on/over:1) The steeple of Notre Dame2) The leaning tower of Pisa3) The cliffs of Dover (cue Eric Johnson guitar solo)4) The ruins of Macchu Picchu5) CTA train tracks6)

Everybody wants to be...closer to Wii

2009-06-01T15:02:00.004-05:00

Browsing CNN today, I came across this article about the E3 convention:http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/06/01/e3.video.games.preview/index.htmlE3 is an annual gathering of electronics companies and publishers geared to show off future video game releases and new technology, and to essentially tease the bejesus out of gamers like me. Allow me to elaborate:Me watching footage of E3: HOLY SHIT IS THAT

The Elections of 1860 and 2008...I'm just sayin'

2009-05-24T13:23:00.005-05:00

These sons of Texas Confederate Veterans may be taking a little too much pride in raising the battle flag of their ancestors.I was watching the first installment of Ken Burns' groundbreaking documentary on the Civil War (aptly titled The Civil War), and as I listened to the story of the 1860 election and the reaction to it, I couldn't help but draw comparisons to this past election in November

Hey, ECC, nobody cares about your logo

2009-05-07T13:22:00.003-05:00

Well well well, it's Stevie J's first post for May, since he's been drowning in end-of-the-semester shit at the shittiest palace of fucking shit, ECC. So it's no surprise that the first post of el mes de Mayo is a rousing piece of "fuck ECC." (And, coincidentally, my latest column in the Observer)Enjoy! The ECC Board of Trustees recently approved a $142,300 contract with a branding company

Georgia teacher guns down wife, drops children off like nothing happened

2009-04-26T17:51:00.006-05:00

"ATHENS, Georgia (CNN) -- A University of Georgia professor apparently shot and killed his wife and two other people at a community theater group's reunion Saturday, then dropped the couple's two children off at a neighbor's and fled."...And thus continues the on-going saga of the state of Georgia, that ghastly, festering open sore on the back of America.I liked the part where he dropped his

Do you have a bumper sticker on your car? F**k you.

2009-04-14T20:03:00.006-05:00

On my way home from school today I followed someone with this emblem on their car:Take THAT, you latte-sipping, animal-humping atheist snobs!Welp, sorry, you got me. I guess evolution DIDN'T happen, after all.One day...just ONE DAY, I'd like to drive behind someone and NOT wish their car would get stuck on the tracks directly in front of the 6:45 to Chicago.God Americans are fucking dumb. Only

Best Buy...oh no....

2009-04-12T21:54:00.002-05:00

Definitive proof that you don't need any kind of education whatsoever to work for Best Buy:ALWAYS DO WHAT YOUR CAPTIAN TELLS YOU!

Easter Feaster

2009-04-12T21:52:00.003-05:00

Clockwise from top: Potato pancake, black olives, ham, cheese perogis, smoked polish sausage, fresh polish sausage.Center: Corn.Jesus would have given me a high five.

Some Easter food for thought

2009-04-11T00:06:00.004-05:00

The legitimacy of the Easter holiday is constantly being debated. People say things like "where did the bunnies and multi-colored eggs come from, anyway? Those things had nothing to do with Jesus."And a valid argument it remains. Rabbits (mammals) and eggs have little to do with each other, and the notion that said creatures would randomly take it uponst themselves to acquire a massive collection

This man loves Jesus. A lot.

2009-04-05T16:31:00.003-05:00

Couldn't resist snapping a pic of this overzealous cockbag on route 31 the other day:Honestly, what the fuck do you need FOUR FISH for? Is it absolutely necessary? I imagined the scale for Jesus Bumper-Fish to be something like this:1 Fish: Yeah, I mean I guess I'm Christian. Maybe the dealer just put that on there so he felt better about ripping me off, but you know, I go to church on the

3 Reasons I Have the Best Girlfriend Ever

2009-04-05T16:16:00.003-05:00

Reason #1:Reason #2:Reason #3:Finally! Someone who caters to my lame and childish hobbies!

War on drugs worth it? I'm still on the fence

2009-03-24T13:26:00.006-05:00

Found this column on CNN today, talking about the legalization of drugs to end violence.The writer cited the violent effects of alcohol prohibition as his reasoning, and at first I thought he was out of his mind. Legalizing alcohol is one thing; legalizing meth and cocaine is totally different.But he did make a good case: taxation of legalized drugs would stimulate the economy, as well as provide

Re-living the greatest Super Bowl halftime show ever

2009-03-23T21:05:00.005-05:00

Part 1:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPwvjAxA7Po&NR=1Part 2:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIZNlR2kEMU&feature=relatedAbsolutely stunning. By the way, whoever follows Mr. Springsteen at next year's Super Bowl better personally deliver a catered lunch spread to every Super Bowl party in the nation, because there's no way in hell they're going to top that.

You know what are f**king awesome? LEGO pirate ships.

2009-03-16T00:20:00.003-05:00

This is a LEGO fucking pirate ship, and it is really fucking cool.Yeah, that's all this post was about. So what?

Dick Cheney: No longer VP; Still an a**hole

2009-03-15T23:03:00.007-05:00

Dick Cheney recently interviewed with CNN, and here are the expertly-annotated highlights*:(*Note: Expert annotations done by me.)On the Bush Administration's multiplication of the national debt:Cheney said he and Bush had to spend money to deal with the September 11, 2001 attacks, the resulting war in Afghanistan, the disaster of 2005's Hurricane Katrina, and the costly and unpopular war in Iraq

Thanks, SOC class, but I'll pass on the reading

2009-03-08T21:01:00.002-05:00

Sorry, but I really don't think a college course is worthwhile when it requires I read textbooks that have entries like this:L-l-leee-dur? Hmmm. What an interesting and complex, college-level idea!To all terrorists who are reading: Please ram a 747 into this embarrassing pile of shit, erroneously labeled a "college."Note: Fill 747 with ECC students.

ECC removes all doubt

2009-03-05T12:44:00.009-06:00

If there was any doubt in my mind that ECC is nothing but heaping landfill with hallways and windows carved into it; if there was any credence to the argument that I'm just a raving scumbag taking minor grievances too far, my experience in SOC 100 this morning destroys both notions.I don't even know how to say this, so I'll just say it:We sang happy birthday. In class. To two students.By "we" I

Where else but Georgia?

2009-03-03T22:50:00.006-06:00

According to CNN.com, the state of Georgia is trying to pass legislation telling people how many embryos can be implanted in their wombs:Sen. Ralph Hudgens, a Republican from near Athens, Georgia, said his legislation was inspired by Nadya Suleman, the woman who said she gave birth to octuplets after being fertilized with six embryos -- an unusually high number.I ask you--where else but Georgia

A Close-Contact Study of Incentivus Comburos, aka the Inspiration Vampire: Part II

2009-03-03T12:43:00.002-06:00

As my prior attempt to investigate the habitual activities of the rather elusive species Incentivus Comburos--commonly known as the Inspiration Vampire--failed miserably, I recently undertook a study of a more conspicuous nature; that is, I went about my daily routine, hoping to catch the daemons in their pursuit of my creative intellect. I so continued unsuccessfully for days, but last week I

Conservatives remember only what they want to

2009-03-02T12:34:00.004-06:00

On the banks of the Mississippi, St. Louis conservatives recently hosted a "tea party" in opposition to President Obama's economic stimulus plan, one they charged had too much "pork"--or wasteful spending--attached to it.The plan was passed and is now being regarded as law; whatever babbling talking heads on the conservative airwaves want to say about it is moot. Nevertheless, area conservative

Taken: One motherf**king badass movie

2009-03-01T13:17:00.004-06:00

Went to see the action flick Taken last night, and though it followed a similar plot to many action/suspense movies, there was one significant difference:Many more throat punches.See, you wouldn't think that would make much of a difference, but GOOD GOD, IT MADE A DIFFERENCE.Liam Neeson's character was such a refreshingly incredible badass in that movie. As an ex-government defense agent trying

A Close-Contact Study of the Elusive Incentivus Comburos, aka Inspiration Vampire: Part I

2009-02-26T22:33:00.012-06:00

One of my dear companions has recently recanted a tale of vivid intellectual malice, having been victimized by a rather elusive but extremely prevalent creature among college campuses worldwide. Her encounter with this oft-invisible, thieving troglodyte of creativity was milder than expected, but nonetheless cost her several weeks' worth of honest, cognitive work.As I myself have, at one

Now for commentary on a work not my own!

2009-02-24T20:16:00.006-06:00

The Star Wars fan in me absolutely HAD to post this:No, you're not going crazy. That is an Imperial All-Terrain Armored Transport (AT-AT) fucking the bejesus out of what looks like an Allosaurus (Tyrannosaur?), with a motivational quote from RFK at the top.What does it mean? That technology has and will always trump nature? Or that our machines are relentlessly raping nature for all its worth?

A Case for the Use of Wikipedia in Academic Endeavors

2009-02-24T10:20:00.005-06:00

You know, I've just about had it with people--academic or otherwise--telling me that Wikipedia isn't a valid source for academic projects. Most of the people I've heard this from are computer-illiterate, half-wit librarians and teachers who can barely send an e-mail to their colleagues and wouldn't know a .jpeg from a .wav. Not only that, but they've probably never even LOOKED at an academic

ECC's website tries to f**k up my computer

2009-02-15T22:57:00.005-06:00

Logged onto ECC's online class terminal to take a SOC quiz, except the call of the Horde was stronger. So I left the site up, and after continually asking me if I wanted to stay logged on (to which I responded "yes" thrice) it completely locked up my computer. Firefox would not respond, and when I attempted to load the task manager, it gave me this happy screen:A close-up of the on-screen error

You stay classy, Best Buy shoppers

2009-02-15T22:52:00.004-06:00

Found this in the men's bathroom stall garbage can:Look, I know there's plenty of room in that stall, but jeesh...can't it wait until you get home?

Working on a(n American) Dream

2009-02-14T17:29:00.011-06:00

Leave it to Bruce Springsteen to change my entire philosophical mood about this country.I purchased Bruce's two most recent albums, Working on a Dream (Jan. '09) and Magic (Aug. '07), and besides absolutely rocking my world every time I'm in the car, they have really helped me pull together all of my thoughts and feelings about the current--and past--state of the States.One particular line from

UPDATE: Only 60% of Americans are morons

2009-02-14T17:16:00.003-06:00

In an earlier post, I quoted my history professor stating that 80% of Americans do not believe in evolution.However, a new Gallup poll presented by CNN in an article on Darwin's 200th birthday proves otherwise:"A Gallup poll released this week shows that 39 percent of Americans say they "believe in the theory of evolution," while a quarter say they do not believe in the theory, and another 36

Poor Heathens of breakfast...Rejoice! Behold, the Waffle Sandwich!

2009-02-12T20:02:00.005-06:00

(Trumpets sound)(Makes salivatory noises)Aaaaaaaaahmazing.Kitty!

America wants me to have high blood pressure

2009-02-12T15:34:00.006-06:00

So I'm sitting in my history class, and the professor mentions how it was Lincoln's 200th birthday (or would've been) today. Then another student points out that it is also Darwin's birthday as well. My professor then makes the fatal mistake of asking the question, "who was a more important historical figure--Lincoln or Darwin?"Now, let me stop this here for a second. I love Abe Lincoln, ok? He's

UPDATE: Got my WAFFLES, bitches!

2009-02-12T11:17:00.006-06:00

So I skipped out on my Spanish class to go to the Dunkin' Donuts on McClean Road, in hopes that they would have my elusive waffle sandwich, andSUCCESS!I win, bitches! I got TWO of those bad boys, and an OJ. Now, some of you may be asking yourselves "what the hell is this guy thinking? Skipping class for a breakfast sandwich?"And I just have one response: Have you TRIED the sandwich? Because if

What the f*%#, Double Dees?

2009-02-12T09:17:00.004-06:00

You know, I heard about Dunkin' Donuts having a motherfucking WAFFLE FUCKING SANDWICH yesterday, and it pretty much made my life. Ok, I said. I'll get up tomorrow, skip my usual breakfast of shiteos and go get one of those motherfuckers. I get up, shower, drive all the way to the Dunkin' Donuts on Randall by ECC, only to find out that THEY DON'T FUCKING HAVE THE SANDWICH YET.Fucking motherfucking

Upon further review, Iowa is still lame as fuck

2009-02-11T18:27:00.010-06:00

Checking on the blog this evening I saw that my Iowa-loving Facebook friend had found my site, and left a nice little douche nugget in the comments under my post about Iowa being fantastically lame. In it, he provided me with a virtual CORNUCOPIA of things he thinks are interesting about Iowa. I can hardly contain myself!"things that rule in iowa:"HERE WE GO!"the vaudeville mews"Does anybody

There's Nothing Lame About Iowa...except EVERYTHING

2009-02-10T20:23:00.008-06:00

One of my good friends on the blogosphere (for name-dropping, I'll link you to her page), recently was the author of a Facebook note.On said Facebook note, I received this comment after (in good jest) referring to Iowa as "REEEEALLY lame:"There's nothing lame about Iowa...maybe you just don't understand it."So I said, okay, maybe he's right. Let me try to understand what's so interesting,

Jeff Gordon says dumb things just like the rest of us

2009-02-07T11:54:00.011-06:00

I stumbled over 4-time NASCAR champ Jeff Gordon's blog today, and my first thought was "hey, you know that's pretty cool of Jeff to connect with his fan base like this and share his personal thoughts." But then I started reading an entry dated December 3, 2008, in which Jeff summed up the 2008 season and off-season time with his family. This was all well and good until he started talking about

Non-Super Bowl Week Showdown: Me vs. Driveway Ice

2009-02-06T18:07:00.011-06:00

In honor of epic fails across the nation--those horribly embarrassing moments that forever scar the human psyche beyond repair--I've decided to do battle with the decevingly benign, yet powerfully omnipresent force of driveway ice.Scope 'em out:MeAn incredible douche who has nothing better to do with his time than write pointless shit on the internet and hang banners of horrible sports teams

Ah, the Super Bowl: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

2009-02-01T21:21:00.006-06:00

If I was skeptical about anything surrounding this year's Super Bowl, it was that this year's game would come even REMOTELY close in excitement level to the David Tyree-hat trick/Eli Manning evading the world finish that enthralled America last year.But this year's contest only missed that marker by about a yard.Steelers defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau made the best defensive play call in Super

ASOC's first Annual Super Bowl Sunday Death Medley

2009-02-01T13:04:00.004-06:00

Welcome to Super Bowl Sunday! It's the most glorious day of the year (besides the start of the regular season and every Sunday in between).To celebrate the pinnacle of all modern sports, the Super Bowl Week Showdown team will gather at the floor of the Roman coliseum in an unspeakably horrifying hodgepodge of carnage and flying limbs.Yes, it is true: Boba Fett, Master Chief, Private Augustus Cole

Super Bowl Week Showdown #4: King Leonidas vs. Maximus Decimus Meridius

2009-01-31T23:04:00.006-06:00

In honor of the Super Bowl, mankind's penultimate annual duel of strength vs. strength, I will spend the latter half of this week presenting for review other titanic match-ups from across the pop-culture spectrum--characters from movies, comic books, video games, and television.Tonight's contest features two battle-hardened classical warriors: Ancient Sparta's King Leonidas and Roman arena

Super Bowl Week Showdown #3: Indiana Jones vs. Bear Grylls

2009-01-30T12:01:00.008-06:00

In honor of the Super Bowl, mankind's penultimate annual duel of strength vs. strength, I will spend the latter half of this week presenting for review other titanic match-ups from across the pop-culture spectrum--characters from movies, comic books, video games, and television.Today's epic clash is between two distinguished adventurers (one real and one from the big screen): rough-and-tumble

Super Bowl Week Showdown #2: The Cole Train vs. Spartan 117, aka Master Chief

2009-01-29T18:51:00.001-06:00

In honor of the Super Bowl, mankind's penultimate annual duel of strength vs. strength, I will spend the latter half of this week presenting for review other titanic match-ups from across the pop-culture spectrum--characters from movies, comic books, video games, and television.Today's contestants are solely from the video game realm, with profanity-spewing muscleman Private Augustus Cole of the

Super Bowl Week Showdown #1: Wolverine vs. Boba Fett

2009-01-28T15:19:00.000-06:00

In honor of the Super Bowl, the penultimate annual duel of mankind, I will spend the latter half of this week presenting for review other titanic match-ups from across the pop-culture spectrum--characters from movies, comic books, video games, and television.Today, it's the galaxy's most feared bounty hunter pitted--and make no mistake, he IS pitted--against the Canadian cage-fighting X-Man,

C'mon, December 23rd, 2012...

2009-01-27T13:46:00.000-06:00

Some people believe the end of the world is upon us; that in no less than three years some catastrophic means of doom will sweep our futile ray of existence from the face of the universe. This is, of course, the fulfillment of a prophecy believed in by the ancient Mayans, who were no degenerate savages themselves. Most people, like these CNN commentators, are tactfully and intelligently opposed

ECC Fucking Blows

2009-01-22T12:35:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I keep giving this place chances.I can no longer stand the suffocating bureaucracy, the rabbling bunch of idiots that is the student body, or the camp-infested, vomit-inducing douche show put on by the Student Life department on a daily basis.Not a day here has gone by without me wanting to kill someone, violently maim someone, or hang myself in desperation.The latter option is

It's just a little red-ringed...it's still good!

2009-01-21T12:03:00.001-06:00

I will remember you...Will you remember me?

2009-01-19T21:33:00.000-06:00

Oh, my cherished companion of 3+ years. How much love we shared...It's something unpredictable......but in the end is right...I hope you had the time of your life...(Wipes away tear)Good bye, my love.

Another great gift from our racist friends in Georgia

2009-01-18T11:26:00.000-06:00

As you all may very well know, Georgia fucking blows. No news there. But did you also know it can't even be trusted to make peanut butter?(CNN) -- Federal officials are urging consumers to put off eating foods that contain peanut butter until they can be they are sure they do not contain products manufactured by the Peanut Corp. of America, some of which were found to contain salmonella. Food and

UPDATE

2009-01-18T10:42:00.000-06:00

Maybe Spags can fix St. Louis' OTHER, non-sports problem:http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/news/stories.nsf/sciencemedicine/story/2F2DC7AACDDBFA938625753D00602E4D?OpenDocument#tp_newCommentAnchor

The United States Hates Children

2009-01-16T21:20:00.000-06:00

Yeah, thought that would get your attention.Now put your specially-crafted hammers designed to smash unformed infant skulls down for one second and listen to me gripe, dammit!Why are professional athletes paid billions of dollars over the course of the careers while grade and high school teachers trudge through life making <30k per year?The answer "because Americans love their sports" may seem

A Method on the Edge of Madness

2009-01-16T20:01:00.000-06:00

Alert my Star Destroyer to prepare for my arrival.In other words, I've finally crossed into the planet's blogosphere, and I gotta tell you, it feels pretty shitty. Shitty in knowing that I am now one of 2.4 million other assholes spouting off their opinions, feelings, and various other mental scrap they collect from the gutters of their latte-saturated minds.On a lighter note, I had a pretty

Holy balls, these are delicious

2009-01-04T03:41:00.000-06:00

Let me just stop and say this for a second.These. You see these?These are the most delicious things I have ever tasted in my entire life.Yes, I said it. Move the FUCK OVER, bacon, my arteries have a new worst enemy, and it is these chips. I want to eat my OWN FINGERS after I somehow manage to wrest them from the bag.The delightful crackly crunch. The savory sea salt. The warm, prickly taste of

Top Ten of 2008: Dr. Pelz Quotes

2008-12-31T03:48:00.000-06:00

Well, 2008 is almost over, and here's a look at my top ten quotes from everybody's favorite History Professor, Dr. Pelz:1) On Mormons:"Shooting Mormons...that's a custom we should revive."2) On Psychology:"Psychology is just another made-up religion."3) On Missionaries:"I throw some water on you, I mumble something, and BOOM! You've got a scholarship to go to college in the U.S."4) On Afghanistan

Top Ten of 2008: D-Bag Patriots Fans

2008-12-30T02:46:00.000-06:00

Well, 2008 is almost over, and here's a look at my top ten D-bag Pats fans (from across cyberspace) of the year (quotes taken from Boston.com and kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com):First, the Massholes of the '08 season:1) "We all suffered watching every game, and we always stood by supporting our Pat's on the good and bad days. All that I can say is that we went down fighting like champs, we closed